Embracing Failure

I think everyone struggles with it in some facet; that post-college identity crisis. We no longer have our university, our major, a sport, a given group of friends, or anything else to identify ourselves with. We are thrown blindly into a confusing and mostly scary world of employment and bills and other adult things. Obvious by my overly vulnerable and pity-party posts lately, I am absolutely going through a weird time right now. I am confused and being pulled in so many directions, fearing that I won't make the right career choice. But I'm also realizing that fear can have both positive and not so positive affects on the way I live.

I've had 2 incredibly vivid, graphic, and terrifying dreams over the past few nights. After talking to my mom, I've actually been able to find some meaning from the dreams. It's said that we are represented in every entity or character that appears in our dreams. If that's the case, then I am not only feeling vulnerable, but weak, and scared, and powerful, and pulled, and confused, and overwhelmed all at the same time. Sounds about right. It may sound silly because technically, I'm not doing anything except enjoying life in this wonderful city. But my plate feels fuller now than it ever did in college with 3 hour practices, research papers, a full class load, and everything else the average college student brings on. My point is, back then, we had a mold of what things 'should' look like. Choose a major, go to class, engage in extracurricular activities, travel abroad, go to practice, take finals, etc. And at the time, it may have seemed incredibly stressful. But now that I no longer have that mold to follow, I am terrified of making the wrong decision.

I very rarely had to face rejection early in my life. Looking back, I know I took the safe road sometimes, probably to avoid the icky feeling of being turned down (It took me a long time to admit that). Until a few months ago, I never really knew what it felt like to be rejected. I didn't get the first job I applied for in SF. That was a strange feeling. Even though I was way under qualified for the position, and I wasn't even entirely sure it was a job I wanted, I was still upset. Regardless of the situation, rejection always stings. No one enjoys being told that they're not good enough or don't have the right skills for something. Anyways, since then, being rejected has become a lot more normal. And I'm realizing that is okay. In fact, it's oddly empowering and makes me feel like at least I'm putting myself out there. I think embracing failure and FEAR, rather than running away from it, is so much better. Admitting to yourself that this is scary, and that you are frightened of being rejected, and that you may not, in fact, be good enough for a given job, is okay.

This is a whole bunch of rambling, I know. But it always helps me to get these thoughts out of my head. I am not, yet, great at embracing my failures. But each time I get a rejection email, it hurts a little bit less, and I am quicker to move forward with things. The beautiful and also very, very scary thing about being an 'adult,' is that we get to make our own decisions. And while I still sometimes wish my parents, or my coach, or my school counselor would make the decisions for me, I know it's time for me to grow up. And I will make mistakes, and what seem to be wrong decisions. But thats the beauty of it, right?

A friend from high school does a fabulous job at explaining this weird and confusing time in our lives through a show she's written. Check out what she's doing here.